A New Chapter

today didn't feel real to me.
sleeping,
awake,
It wouldn't be the first time that I dreamt I was working.
Everything seems so fuzzy even though I can feel the shock up my legs each time i step my foot down on the hard pavement. The rough raged uneven edges of the cement pillar, the sharp cold nip in the air, the plastic bag rustling sharply in the tree, the twinkle of the frosted grass under the street lamps.
Hard
Real
Existing...
yet still my head is fuzzy like I'm not driving my body. Lifting crates, wheeling kegs, fragments of conversation. It's like I have been switched to autopilot. My body keeps going though my mind isn't there.Soft, wavering, elsewhere, watching my automaton body go along it's pre-determined course, like looking through a pool of water from the passengers seat.

Over the last while I've also forgotten doing tasks. something as small as locking the door to turning the oven off. Tasks that I ritualistically do to ease my anxiety become gaps in my memory even a few moments after doing them. 'Did I lock the door?' I'll suddenly be unable to remember by the time I get to the side walk. Bolting the door and putting on the chain, I'm pretty sure I do it each time I walk in but once I change my clothes and settle and look over at the door I'll be amazed that it's bolted and chained because i didn't remember doing it.
It's almost like the after effects of a 'black moment' but without signs of any 'blackness' happening.

I think I'm loosing it again.

... Stop being so obvious! I may be thick as paste with a lot of things but that doesn't mean I'm an idiot. Cut it out! Anything that I'm doing that you're upset about you are doing the same thing if not 3x worse! Shut up stop guilt tripping your self it's not an excuse or a national pastime. You make me wana punch you.

Trying to keep myself busy so I don't have to think about other things wish isn't helping much at all. Thinking about too many things at once is just making them all crash and nothing is stopping to clean up the pieces to actually let other things pass properly.

Uncle has come and gone. It messed me up far more then I thought it would but the plus side is that I'm going to get the glasses I've been needing, on the negative side the frames are hideous translucent pine colour, ones that he liked but look like vomit... There was only 10 min left before he had to go so I had to grab some kind of frames or go without the progressives that I've been needing all year. "These look nice, they go with those highlights in your hair." I don't know if he was being honest or was just trying to sound supportive/interested. I was in shock when the lenses themselves came to almost $500 (frames on sale were $199) I was in sticker shock for the remaining 8 min.

He gave me a little bit of cash for "birthday money" since he doesn't know when it is and I used it today to get a couple of jeans since I need them for work, one has a hole in the knee and the rabbits chewed one, when I dozed off, to the point it looks like it was hit with buckshot. I picked up a bit of craft supplies with the rest to make little gifts for people, emphasis on little since I am so beyond broke. I was kicking myself the whole way home because I just remembered that I haven't gotten groceries for nearly 3 weeks.  Not eating frequently is probably just adding to the mess in my head.

Eiri, asked me to start dating him/her (the gender thing is a little confusing yes). I became friends with them through Niles shortly before I moved to Alberta, we get along alright, like friends so I was surprised when they asked. My experience with relationships is starting as friends and growing into it, so maybe it would work out I dunno so I told them to give me some reasons. Eiri did, one for hte past 8 days but I guess what impressed me the most about it was that they openly changed their status to 'in relationship' before I accepted and before they even started giving reasons. It showed me commitment. I accepted last night.

Eiri is 16-17 ( I just realized I haven't asked yet) and is still in highschool, but they also have the dominant trait, either way age difference doesn't seem to bother. They made quite a few bold statements and so far they are working pretty hard to keep them without raising a fuss. I'm actually getting teased that I've been, so far, less trouble then they thought I'd be, and that's after a weekend of insane txting at all hours of the night and day during family issue stress.

In other news I'm expecting the cellphone company to call me any day now for going over my 'unlimited txt' limit. In three days I've done 4353. it's just the start of the second week of the month and I've already tapped away over 5000 txt. *ring ring ring* "Excuse me sir, but the unlimited txt plan wasn't set up to take this kind of abuse, even from someone non-verbal... we were wondering if you could, perhaps, go a little easier on it because we wouldn't want anything  *ahem* to happen to your thumbs, now would we? Go ahead."

When is comfortable too comfortable?

I have striven to make my small apartment home as comfortable as I can. A place I am comfortable to sleep, to live and to come back to. But I've begin to realize that it is too comfortable. Surrounded by so many things I like I have no thoughts of going out, of spending time with others outside of this nest that I have constructed for myself. Comfortably trapped in my comfortable world.

I need to make it less comfortable. What should I put away into boxes? How can I maintain a balance so that I can still sleep and come home here yet enough to not want to stay? Force myself out of my own home.

For some reason today it feels like I have breached some intangible wall into adulthood. Childish pre-conceptions have vanished, the hard, imperfect, unideal world surrounds me.

I take it back. I'm not sorry. Words uttered from the very bottom of my heart still ring true with such a quality that other words can not warp, bend or worm by them.

Sitting in my pjs on my floor, the room chill from the open window, an urge to move is itching away at the side of my brain.

The world is ugly. I don't like it, but that doesn't matter to it at all. I will sleep and work my two jobs tomorrow just as I have all the other days.

Adulthood seems to make the empty spaces more tangible and I will sleep and work my two jobs tomorrow just as I have all the other days.

All my life the the thing I have dreaded most about being sick, and I have been sick a lot, is throwing up. Even through bad flashbacks I always felt even more miserable when it made me throw up. But that dumb cup of pudding I ate... stupid little cup pudding.

I had forgotten to take the digestive tablet you see. which I realized after eating it and seeing the box on the table, my stomach already feeling unfriendly feelings. I ate somethign else soon after taking two of the tablets, in hopes that it would more digestion along so the ramifications wouldn't be as bad in the morning. Needless to say, the morning didn't have a chance to come as, less then an hour after I tried to go to bed, I was up with a bad feeling in my stomach, which due to an episode earlier this week, I knew I was going to be sick. Whether this was a combination of overall tiredness or the clear knowledge of why I was about to throw up I'm not too sure but I felt rather surprisingly calm. Any throw-up situation always causes me great distress but here I was calmly walking about, getting a bottle of water ready and setting things up so ad least I'd be in a comfortable state of throwing up on my small cramped bit of bathroom floor.

The first few heaves were the worst of it as I couldn't manage to catch my breath, as always, but once I could gulp in air the rest wasn't so bad. I regretted eating something after the pudding as my stomach had broken the starches down into sugars so the sickly sweet bile was quite unpleasent to have cascadign down my tongue in reverse. Cleaned myself up, brushed my teeth and tongue, sipped some water, took a couple gravol then staid up for a while because the feeling wasn't gone. A little while later I was sick again so I cleaned myself up again and tried to settle myself sitting up in bed. All the while in my head I thought to myself: "this isn't that bad. I can live with this."

...

"I can live with this."? In the morning that seemed to haunt me. The calmness, the ease of the whole thing, especially centred around something that has always been a thing of dread for me, seemed rather... almost morally worrisome. Was it the control I took of the situation? Was it knowing why I was sick that made me react to the situation lightly? What factor was it that made me take the situation in stride and with ease?

Because of one little pudding cup I could feel a whole doorway to potential eating disorders quietly swing open in the farthest corner of my mind.

now on facebook, the good the bad, the short one liners, the mini games.
~Lyle Blackwell

I noticed first the gentle creaking of the umbrella, the tapping droplets of rain aren't falling as often, bits of grit and sand crackle and pop under my shoes against the pitted asphalt. Hopping over puddles, side stepping litter, waiting for a few cars to pass... this was my walk home in the darkness of tomorrow.

I walked out to the market today, the clouds were thick in the sky, it might rain again, but I don’t plan on being out long so I didn’t take my umbrella. First I went to the store that Ann used to work at. Some of them there remember me; it’s mostly the older staff that is still there. They are nice and friendly almost like a pleasant neighbourhood family. I was very thankful when they let me buy a roll of quarters off of them. On the weekend everywhere is short on change because of the banks. With them I hope to be able to do some laundry once I get home.

 

I stopped at the ice cream parlour afterwards. The old east Indian man wasn’t there; it made me a little sad because I kind of wanted to see his smiling face. An old man like that owning an ice cream parlour…It makes me wonder if that was what he had set his heart to. Today, instead, behind the counter are two girls, they’re probably around my age. They were curious but a little busy even though it’s going to rain. I took some hand packed sorbet, a green citrus. It kind of makes me think of spring which is why I enjoyed eating it during winter and autumn the most.

 

The market was only a short walk from there. All I really wanted was lettuce but while walking there I started to think about what kind of things I could make at home then bring in to work so I would save more money then eating something from take out. It would probably taste better too. Some sandwiches would be the easiest, they could also use the lettuce I want to buy for salad too just in case I don’t get around to eating it all in time before it begins to wilt.

A few crusty rolls, deli meats, a pepper, I like to put a bit of fresh parsley on them too for some reason but there wasn’t any there that looked good, It all looked wilted, perhaps from the heat we’ve been having lately. Some croutons were an impulse buy but they were on sale as if to say, ‘yes, coming to the market for salad was a good idea’. Potato chips, a baking sheet small enough to fit into the little oven, and a jar of sliced pickles… that was probably the most frivolous since I already have a jar of pickles in the fridge but with them sliced it may save time when I’m busy rushing to get out the door with a home packed lunch. At the checkout my single head of garlic was only $0.13. I wonder if more people would eat healthier if they knew how inexpensive small good things are, particularly things that make other things taste even better. The green pepper was $1.37; I think places are breeding them to have thicker seed parts to make them heavier. $1.37… It’s only a green pepper.

 

The sun came out on the walk back, which wasn’t so bad. Even though I went shopping on an empty stomach, even though I picked up things I hadn’t intended on, it was still about $40, which wasn’t so bad at all. The way home was different but that didn’t bother me. This area isn’t that bad, it’s the same area where Ann used to live so I can still remember my way around it. It’s one of those places between downtown and uptown, not much of anything going on but with close amenities so the neighbourhood isn’t as densely packed as some other areas. Crossing the streets, turning the corners, it all feels very comfortable.

 

I arrive alone to a small apartment building. The hallways smell strange like too many people cooking clashing items and the worst of housekeeping but then I’m at my little apartment. Alone at my little empty, quite house with its very strange floor. It’s just me and it’s so very quiet, things I don’t really like but some how… I think the strange floor is kind of comforting, loud enough to say ‘hello’ and ‘welcome home’ Something about it makes me not worry if someone has been in while I was away, makes me not need to look around all the corners and under things just to make sure I really am alone. I’m probably the strange one of the two of us since I’m comforted and lulled by nothing more then a pattern printed on the floor.

 

I put my things away and head down the long and twisting, dark, corridor to the laundry room. A few doors line the walls, some with latches, some with padlocks, all of them have been painted white at some time making them all look like it has been several years since anyone has thought to open them. The door here isn’t as heavy as the other ones to pull. I have to separate out the colours, darks and lights but I don’t have enough for either machine, they are big which I’m thankful for. I go back to the apartment and gather a few other things. Some things that aren’t that dirty, some tings that don’t need to be washed but could have become dirty in the move. I wonder how long the cycle takes so I’m timing them but… I’ll probably get distracted and not notice the time slip by until it is too late. Even though I have typed so little it seems to have taken a long time and I’ve already changed the wash now.

 

I’m going to get up and make some food, cook up some of that bacon wrapped sirloin I had bought earlier on the week when it was on clear out sale. I want to cut them up and put it on lettuce which is why I went shopping today in the first place, my only day off in a long while. Boxes still line the floor in areas where I have yet to unpack. I should call the internet people and have service set up. But for now I’m going to turn away and go to my kitchen… ‘My kitchen’, I like how that sounds in my head. I have yet to get it al into order but… it’s mine and I can put things where I want, cook when I want, take up lots of space in the fridge. I like it.

 

I still need to buy a toaster oven to cut down on electricity, and a colander. If I can’t have the water cooler repaired I’ll also need to get a water filter and a hot water kettle. A glass blender would be really nice too… I just realized that I don’t have pots either, aside from my deep frying pan. I’ll have to save up in bits and pieces for these things, slowly in bits and pieces. My kitchen…

 

My Kitchen.

I went to bed right after I posted my last entry and around two-thirty I gave up and spent the rest of the night watching tv on the internet. I tried sleeping again shortly before five when the sun was starting to come up. I woke up around ten, got out of bed at noon and decided to go for a walk.

I walked around aimlessly for a while around the area where I live so I could get to know it better. My mood became a little lighter and, since I came in to a bit of money from my tax return, I decided to pick up a few snacks and cleaning supplies at the grocery store. I didn't intend on getting any fruit while I was there but I ended up picking up black plums, bananas, a couple peaches and cherries. I was really really happy that I got cherries so much so that I didn't notice how heavy the other things were that I picked up. I was really weighed down on my way home but I was happy, I had cherries. That wasn't going to last.

When I got back to the house the landlord was there yelling at me. "Did you cook meat?" On Friday I made some pork. "Did you throw out raw meat?" Yes, the rinds I trimmed off that I wrapped in the package then tossed. But apparently I didn't wrap it well enough and he started to yell at me saying that it caused a stench and just made food for bugs. He made a point of showing me the trimmings still in the packaging that I tossed. There were no bugs. The house doesn't have bugs. He didn't seem to care because he just Kept yelling at me. I thought that maybe his nose was just more sensitive then mine and must have smelt bad to him because it didn't seem more offending then regular garbage to me so I wrote down that he could make a list of what kind of cleaners and air fresheners would resolve the problem and I'd go right back out and get them. "That's not the point! I can make predictions, I'm very good at it! I want you out of here!" He continued to yell at me until I was in tears.

Once he had enough of yelling at me and threatening me and telling me to move out, I put my groceries away, started laundry and continued about the plans I already had for today which was cleaning. The bathroom is now cleaner then when I moved in, the carpet vacuumed, floors swept, and I'm just waiting on my last load of laundry to finish in the dryer so I can make my bed with the linens. Once I've fixed my bed I'm going to shower since I'm all sweaty from the walk and cleaning. Once the shower is done I should eat something since I just realized from the lack of dirty dishes that I haven't eaten anything today.

I'm very numb right now. I need to find a place to live. I need to move but I don't have any money to get there let alone to rent as other places are more expensive then this. I should be worried. I should be really really worried but... right now there is nothing. Maybe it will hit me some time around three in the morning. Oh well.

I set aside some clothes that I don't use anymore, while I was cleaning, I need to remember to take them to the second hand store next time I'm out.

This morning I had a dream. It felt very familiar like I knew the order of events that would happen in it. I have quite a few reoccurring dreams, ones that aren't bad, ones that I think I've had when I was very small. It must be depressing that my subconscious is so uncreative that it has to recycle dreams. But this dream that I had this morning wasn't one I've had before despite knowing what was supposed to happen. I can't recall enough of the details right now to give a recount of it either but when I woke up from it I was in such a good mood. I had a pleasant, if strange, dream and slept the whole night through for the first time in what seems like months. I didn't want to get out of my covers. I wanted to lay around and cuddle myself into things.

When I finally had to get out of bed my morning was bright and cheerful and I wanted to cosily interact with others around me. But no one is here. I went online to my usual romps and no one was around that my character would interact with but there was one that was usually overlooked and didn't get involved with groups often. So I began to make a character that they would like to play with so I could help them out and they wouldn't have to know it was me. I wanted to help them and be cheerful but by the time I was finished they had found someone else and played with them so I kept out of it.

As the day continued on I began to realize that I am alone. That there was no one to share my happy mood or otherwise with. My mood faded to be replaced with melancholy. I realized that when I'm lonely I try to change myself, not only in games, but in life in hopes of being more what someone is looking for so they'd be more accepting of me. Kinda pathetic. And the day continued on without me. I guess at one point I ate something that didn't agree with me and I became sick from a food allergy so my evening has not been good and I want to curl up in a ball against someone. I want to have my head patted even though it won't fix my current condition it would make me feel a little better... a little peaceful.

Today started and ended in the same way. I wanted to be close to someone but no one was there.

I'm cold... and lonely...

I've been pushing people away a lot lately... maybe more then usual.

I( Kinda NC17 topic of sorts.... )

I'm really tired of being lonely...

Utterly off topic and a change of topic to try to get myself not to stress out about it so much:

I'm stuck in Pokemon Diamond. When I climb the mountain and just before I can get to the spire there is a Galatic grunt blocking the doorway. He says he doesn't have any Pokemon but he also refuses to step out of the way. What am I doing wrong? How do I get past him? How do I get the guy blocking the path to Sunshine City to let me by?

Okay, since my move I haven't updated anything very meaty or even understandable. So I'm really going to do it this time.

I still am missing most of my things, they're in Ottawa but I don't have any money that I can spare to bus down there and have someone drive back with me and the stuff or to even bus back with my arms loaded. I'm currently living in a house in a rather nice end of town and... Is occupied almost entirely by lesbians. It seems kinda weird but at least I'm the only Lyle here this time so I've technically lived in stranger situations. My room is just a bit bigger then the one I had in Edmonton and I have a little private bathroom which is nice too. It's a lot more expensive though at $575. On the upside there is no signed lease so I only need to give one month's notice before moving out, on the down side they only need to give me one month's notice before they kick me out... That makes me worry.

I haven't run into K or T yet... and to be honest I'm still hoping that I don't for a while because I don't have a job yet which is stressing the crud out of me. Once I have steady work and steady sleep then I'll want to talk to them. I don't want to be the little lost dog on their doorstep again. I need to be stronger. I need to be more self sufficient. I need to get it together.

Things haven't been the best for me on the mental side either. With all the stress I've been putting on myself I haven't been sleeping well, my immune system has been really sluggish and bad dreams and memories have been clawing at the back of my mind even while I'm awake. I've been pretty much a depressed wreck. I managed to get out to the country and spend time with K's old lady friend out there, working in her garden and staying a few nights to try to clear my head. It's.... helped a little but I still can't manage to swallow any non-solids that aren't green, blue or purple. The bowl of cream of wheat that I'm eating right now I had to put in a couple drops of blue food colouring and mix it up with my eyes closed before I could take a bite of it without bile rising up my throat, the same with water and tea even. Anything that looks like, or potentially has the texture of, anything that could have come from someone's body makes me vomit the moment I bring it close to my lips. I tried eating with my eyes closed but that just made it worse. I need to see it and see that it's an inhuman colour in order to get my throat to actually swallow it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how unhealthy that is and it's messing mu my digestive system let alone messing up my dietary needs... though right now I can't afford anything more then cream of wheat, instant oatmeal, Mr. Noodles and maybe a can or two of tuna. My bank is already overdrawn as it is.

I totally messed my back up a week ago to where I could no longer put off going to the chiropractor. *shudders* She knew how much I hated people touching me, especially my bare skin so she drove me all the way out to Niagara, where she used to live, to see an old friend of hers who worked as a chiropractor. It was a long and very painful four hour drive especially since sitting upright for any longer then ten minutes sent shooting pain. up my spine. We pulled in around 8pm, long past his normal business hours and we spent about another hour listening to him talk about his rock collection he had displayed on a shelf. All the talking I guess made me feel a little easier despite being scared out of my mind. Something about his voice and accent sounded familiar though I couldn't place it.
The time came where I had to sit down and tell him what was wrong. I had most of it pre-written with little diagrams because I knew I'd probably be unable to write coherently by this point. There were a few things that he asked that I didn't have pre-prepared so she helped me a bit with that. Laying down on the table was creepy... it was all disjointed eerie looking. The thing I had to put my face on was two halves with a split in the middle for like, a nose to poke through. I really didn't like that... I hat Taba with me but since I had to have my arms down to the floor I tucked him under my neck which helped a bit. I was really thankful when he said I could keep my shirt on, my biggest worry and soon he went to work... which was just poking me firmly in one spot for three minutes before poking in another spot, a lot of them hurt because my back was a rock. While he continued to poke the two of them started talking about stuff and eventually ended up arguing over the sides of shapes for some reason...Their mindless conversation also helped me not think so much about his pokes and by the time he told me he was going to be moving my vertebrae around I recalled his voice. This is going to sound weird but he has the exact same accent and tone of phrase as Dr. Flox off of Star Trek Enterprise. It made me laugh a little when I though about it. Popping my back when I had to lay on my stomach wasn't so bad but when I had to lay on either side, and for my neck I freaked out pretty bad. I had to be held down to keep from kicking, punching and flailing about... I don't remember that part very well. When it was all said and done, and I managed to pull myself together enough to stop crying, my back felt better - or I was in shock, but it felt better. Since they were friends, and I had no money, she paid for my visit with a 12lb organic chicken. I spent the drive back with Taba squished against my face.

It's taken me a lot longer to type this then I thought. I'm out of food so I'm going to walk to the grocery store and buy a couple more packets of mr. noodles. There really is nothing more to say anyways, it's all pretty much the same as the above. I'm depressed, stressed, and hungry. Hopefully I'll be able to at least solve one of those for a little bit.

Update... it's been ages I know and my shortness probably really isn't going to help anything anyways.

1) still no job
2) ! have 10 days to find $600 for next month's rent
3) May be moving again
4) Having some rough patches
5) Can't drink anything that isn't blue, green, purple or some times pink as long as it's bright pink, or I can't swallow it or get sick.
6) don't ask about the above. You most likely don't want to know.
7) I'm most likely going to be spending more time in the country to help get my head, and body, back together.
8) if anyone honestly cares about any info on me ask in an email and maybe I'll try to update better.

***No spell check warning***

I'm in Ontario, with only the lugage I took with me on the plane. I have far more debt then I thought I would have. I am alive for the time being. No computer, just the Wii when no one is using the Tv here.

gtg.

I am such a stupid stupid fool. In the rush to clean up and pack things for moving I've lost my bottle of pills. I need them so very badly today I can barely move but I have no clue where they are...

I've checked the shelf, the dresser, the desk top, the night stand, the whole bathroom.... I can't find them anywhere.... I feel like I'm gonna be sick... How could I have been so stupid to forget where I put something like that....

If I had any strength to spare I'd be banging my head against the wall right now.

Shoot me please.

EDIT: OMFG.... I went around the entire house and looked under everything that had and under, behind everything I could manage to move, every cupboard, drawer, shelf, compartment.... I tore open boxes I had already packed and made myself sick from moving around so much. I have a fever I'm dizzy and think I'm goign to be sick again as sonn as I finish typing this. I tore apart my room twice.... there it was... In the game drawer that I had already looked in four times... right up against the front side where I couldn't see it on an angle. I'd kick myself if only bendign wasn't agony. stupid pills, stupid fever.

I'm going to curl up in a ball now and die for a while. As soon as I finish tossing my meger stomach contence I'm going to take two and try to keep it down with a bit of oatmeal then curl back up in a ball and go back to dying. Maybe things will stop spinning then. Sorry for typos I can't actually see the screen to tell if anything is actually underlined by the spell check program.

feel free to still shoot me if you like..... please.

I am a very bad person and I'm more like my brother then I thought.

Everything has been so shitty lately... I had a drink... and I feel a lot happier.

I'm drinking another and I don't care about my stigma right now.

I'm drinking and making check box lists of what I should pack, while not actually doing any packing, and eating jelly beans and I'm really happy. If I wasn't too poor to afford more alcohol, aside from what I have currently avalible, I'd be worried about making this a habit.... but I don't care right now because I'm happy. I feel happy and I'm smiling even though there is no one here to smile at aside from my reflection in the glass.

Yesterday evening I decided to open my window a bit even though it was still -3c outside. I pealed back the weather seal plastic and within a few moments clean crisp air was flooding in. It felt so nice that I left it open all night even though all the snow and ice crunching sounds from the parking lot outside drifted in too. I slept buried in a pile of blankets and slept most of the night soundly. I slept without worrying or negativily thinking about what my body was, is, does, and becoming. Even though I'm awake now and the stigma is back I'm wearing several layers now because I don't want to close it, the crisp cold just feels so good. I don't understand why I find it so refreshing... I really don't like the cold at all. Maybe because the cold makes me bundle up in blankets and tigers that's comforting enough to withstand the crispness of -2 and light flurries outside.

On the down side I bit a chunk of flesh out of the inside corner of my lips some time last night which, from the damage to my pillow, is quite the bleeder with a 5mm hole. I'm all out of the jelly oral cut patches so I'm going to have to trim down a bandaid to get it to fit... yuck. Bandaid glue and the inside surface of your mouth are not good friends. Do not ever try using the 'tough hold', 'water proof seal', 'medi-tape' or fabric kind, they are more likely to do more damage then fix anything. Thankfully I have some of those little round "bat signal" Batman plastic bandaid dots left. their glue isn't exactally durable for long life on regular skin so it shouldn't be to bad on inside mouth skin. I'll just have to sit here with my mouth open for a few hours for the bandage to work and the cut to scab up properly to give it the best healing chances in dryness and not turn into a canker. Double yuck.


I hate my body

Somehow, after watching some of the most highest ranking movies in history, I have a higher sense of mortality. It is as if my life was made up of nothing more then check boxes of experiences and now that those items have been marked off, even though I wound never have considered them being on a 'life to do list', I feel like I'm one more big step toward the grave.

With all the bumps, bruises, scratches, beatings and scars I have gotten in my life I have never felt as mortal and closer to death then after watching those handful of old movies.

I wasn't even particularly interested in them either...

Still alive. Still having some serious stigma with my body. Clinging things tightly to my torso is helping calm me down at the moment.

Buried in plush and pillows.

It's pretty sad. I realized I was feeling lightheaded because I was affording myself such little room to breath,