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November 2010



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Nov. 3rd, 2010


Nearly a year has passed.
I am still alive.
Everything else is up to chance.

Jan. 15th, 2010


Straighten Up and Fly Right!

I have come to realize that I need a nag in my life.
I start having good intentions and then... I never get around to it.
Exercise, eating better, no snacking, tidying, sticking to the financial plan, and a lot of other things.
If I had someone nagging me with good intentions I think I would take more action in things instead of letting my intentions fizzle out.


Jan. 8th, 2010

Looking Back, Looking Forwards

It's a new year now, almost another year older. The biggest changes that have happened in my life would be my moving back to Ontario from Alberta, living truly on my own, and getting pets.

When the Alberta economy began to tank hard at the beginning of the year as American companies struggled to keep from going belly up it hit the work force hard, and I was one of those workers. Friends had slipped into acquaintances, Ann spoke of hopes to move to Wawa (a small northern Ontario town we had passed on our way out west) and the other three 'Lyle's I shared the house with were splitting up. The only places I would be able to afford to live were all very unfriendly areas of Edmonton. Faced with dangerous living situations, lack of family familiarity and down hill working options I did the only logical thing I could. I packed up and went back to Ontario, to the first city I was able to call home for over two years.

Moving out to Alberta crunched my pocket and moving back was no better, forcing me to shed acquired furniture, though in retrospect it made moving afterwards easier. I couch surfed with people I knew for the most part as I searched for work and a place to live, I didn't want to go back to my brother's apartment because I knew he had some things going on and I would feel like a failure if I had to go relying on him again. I found a shared house for a little while but... It really didn't work out so I notched my belt tighter and found a reasonably priced bachelor apartment. It's small, has really bad lighting, floors from... who knows when, but it fits me and all my junk. I still only have one chair to sit on...

Living alone was making me edgy. Too quiet, I would jump at every little sound, it honestly did little to ease my anxiety and it was rather lonely too. I saved up a little and with a friend's peer pressure I gave in resulting in two rabbits. One black and one white. If I had known how many expenses they would incur I would have honestly bit the bullet and gotten a dog. I know I'm more of a cat person but most of the people I know are allergic, and I needed to be needed by something. I didn't know rabbits would be such trouble... but I've grown to love them, even though Sable is really bitchy and Rice is really skittish even after all this time. I'm not sure if Rice is a boy either.... which will create many problems soon if not resolved. Yay vet bills?

Some stuff has really sucked about 2009, but I guess it's gain worldly experience, and there were a few highlights, though other then pets and my own place I can't think of any off the top of my head.

Other changes and things that have come about in 2009:
-> Decided to keep people from the past, in the past
-> Realized I can be a really jealous jerk
-> Nearly been electrocuted, twice.
-> Had to deal with people only interested in my body.
-> Started an alternative relationship with a friend of a friend
-> Grew up a whole hell of a lot.

For 2010, I've spoken about being interested in college/university but I honestly don't know if I'll be able to pull that off this year and spend it working instead/

New years resolution: PAY OFF DEBTS! Eat something tasty, make use of my video games and try to be more active, even if it's only on the Wii fit.

New years secret:... I splurged a bit and got myself a new game for the DS... it was really cheep and... is actually... a lot funner and more addictive then I ever thought it would be... The game is Style Savvy. Yeah... I'm gayer then I thought I was.

Nov. 18th, 2009

walk sleeping

today didn't feel real to me.
It wouldn't be the first time that I dreamt I was working.
Everything seems so fuzzy even though I can feel the shock up my legs each time i step my foot down on the hard pavement. The rough raged uneven edges of the cement pillar, the sharp cold nip in the air, the plastic bag rustling sharply in the tree, the twinkle of the frosted grass under the street lamps.
yet still my head is fuzzy like I'm not driving my body. Lifting crates, wheeling kegs, fragments of conversation. It's like I have been switched to autopilot. My body keeps going though my mind isn't there.Soft, wavering, elsewhere, watching my automaton body go along it's pre-determined course, like looking through a pool of water from the passengers seat.

Over the last while I've also forgotten doing tasks. something as small as locking the door to turning the oven off. Tasks that I ritualistically do to ease my anxiety become gaps in my memory even a few moments after doing them. 'Did I lock the door?' I'll suddenly be unable to remember by the time I get to the side walk. Bolting the door and putting on the chain, I'm pretty sure I do it each time I walk in but once I change my clothes and settle and look over at the door I'll be amazed that it's bolted and chained because i didn't remember doing it.
It's almost like the after effects of a 'black moment' but without signs of any 'blackness' happening.

I think I'm loosing it again.

Nov. 13th, 2009

tea answer

Who else could this post be fricken about? DUH!

... Stop being so obvious! I may be thick as paste with a lot of things but that doesn't mean I'm an idiot. Cut it out! Anything that I'm doing that you're upset about you are doing the same thing if not 3x worse! Shut up stop guilt tripping your self it's not an excuse or a national pastime. You make me wana punch you.

Nov. 10th, 2009

tiger by skirt

not single

Trying to keep myself busy so I don't have to think about other things wish isn't helping much at all. Thinking about too many things at once is just making them all crash and nothing is stopping to clean up the pieces to actually let other things pass properly.

Uncle has come and gone. It messed me up far more then I thought it would but the plus side is that I'm going to get the glasses I've been needing, on the negative side the frames are hideous translucent pine colour, ones that he liked but look like vomit... There was only 10 min left before he had to go so I had to grab some kind of frames or go without the progressives that I've been needing all year. "These look nice, they go with those highlights in your hair." I don't know if he was being honest or was just trying to sound supportive/interested. I was in shock when the lenses themselves came to almost $500 (frames on sale were $199) I was in sticker shock for the remaining 8 min.

He gave me a little bit of cash for "birthday money" since he doesn't know when it is and I used it today to get a couple of jeans since I need them for work, one has a hole in the knee and the rabbits chewed one, when I dozed off, to the point it looks like it was hit with buckshot. I picked up a bit of craft supplies with the rest to make little gifts for people, emphasis on little since I am so beyond broke. I was kicking myself the whole way home because I just remembered that I haven't gotten groceries for nearly 3 weeks.  Not eating frequently is probably just adding to the mess in my head.

Eiri, asked me to start dating him/her (the gender thing is a little confusing yes). I became friends with them through Niles shortly before I moved to Alberta, we get along alright, like friends so I was surprised when they asked. My experience with relationships is starting as friends and growing into it, so maybe it would work out I dunno so I told them to give me some reasons. Eiri did, one for hte past 8 days but I guess what impressed me the most about it was that they openly changed their status to 'in relationship' before I accepted and before they even started giving reasons. It showed me commitment. I accepted last night.

Eiri is 16-17 ( I just realized I haven't asked yet) and is still in highschool, but they also have the dominant trait, either way age difference doesn't seem to bother. They made quite a few bold statements and so far they are working pretty hard to keep them without raising a fuss. I'm actually getting teased that I've been, so far, less trouble then they thought I'd be, and that's after a weekend of insane txting at all hours of the night and day during family issue stress.

In other news I'm expecting the cellphone company to call me any day now for going over my 'unlimited txt' limit. In three days I've done 4353. it's just the start of the second week of the month and I've already tapped away over 5000 txt. *ring ring ring* "Excuse me sir, but the unlimited txt plan wasn't set up to take this kind of abuse, even from someone non-verbal... we were wondering if you could, perhaps, go a little easier on it because we wouldn't want anything  *ahem* to happen to your thumbs, now would we? Go ahead."

Nov. 2nd, 2009

(no subject)

When is comfortable too comfortable?

I have striven to make my small apartment home as comfortable as I can. A place I am comfortable to sleep, to live and to come back to. But I've begin to realize that it is too comfortable. Surrounded by so many things I like I have no thoughts of going out, of spending time with others outside of this nest that I have constructed for myself. Comfortably trapped in my comfortable world.

I need to make it less comfortable. What should I put away into boxes? How can I maintain a balance so that I can still sleep and come home here yet enough to not want to stay? Force myself out of my own home.

Nov. 1st, 2009

tiger by skirt

(no subject)

For some reason today it feels like I have breached some intangible wall into adulthood. Childish pre-conceptions have vanished, the hard, imperfect, unideal world surrounds me.

I take it back. I'm not sorry. Words uttered from the very bottom of my heart still ring true with such a quality that other words can not warp, bend or worm by them.

Sitting in my pjs on my floor, the room chill from the open window, an urge to move is itching away at the side of my brain.

The world is ugly. I don't like it, but that doesn't matter to it at all. I will sleep and work my two jobs tomorrow just as I have all the other days.

Adulthood seems to make the empty spaces more tangible and I will sleep and work my two jobs tomorrow just as I have all the other days.

Jul. 27th, 2009

Dangerous revelations

All my life the the thing I have dreaded most about being sick, and I have been sick a lot, is throwing up. Even through bad flashbacks I always felt even more miserable when it made me throw up. But that dumb cup of pudding I ate... stupid little cup pudding.

I had forgotten to take the digestive tablet you see. which I realized after eating it and seeing the box on the table, my stomach already feeling unfriendly feelings. I ate somethign else soon after taking two of the tablets, in hopes that it would more digestion along so the ramifications wouldn't be as bad in the morning. Needless to say, the morning didn't have a chance to come as, less then an hour after I tried to go to bed, I was up with a bad feeling in my stomach, which due to an episode earlier this week, I knew I was going to be sick. Whether this was a combination of overall tiredness or the clear knowledge of why I was about to throw up I'm not too sure but I felt rather surprisingly calm. Any throw-up situation always causes me great distress but here I was calmly walking about, getting a bottle of water ready and setting things up so ad least I'd be in a comfortable state of throwing up on my small cramped bit of bathroom floor.

The first few heaves were the worst of it as I couldn't manage to catch my breath, as always, but once I could gulp in air the rest wasn't so bad. I regretted eating something after the pudding as my stomach had broken the starches down into sugars so the sickly sweet bile was quite unpleasent to have cascadign down my tongue in reverse. Cleaned myself up, brushed my teeth and tongue, sipped some water, took a couple gravol then staid up for a while because the feeling wasn't gone. A little while later I was sick again so I cleaned myself up again and tried to settle myself sitting up in bed. All the while in my head I thought to myself: "this isn't that bad. I can live with this."


"I can live with this."? In the morning that seemed to haunt me. The calmness, the ease of the whole thing, especially centred around something that has always been a thing of dread for me, seemed rather... almost morally worrisome. Was it the control I took of the situation? Was it knowing why I was sick that made me react to the situation lightly? What factor was it that made me take the situation in stride and with ease?

Because of one little pudding cup I could feel a whole doorway to potential eating disorders quietly swing open in the farthest corner of my mind.

Jul. 25th, 2009


now on facebook, the good the bad, the short one liners, the mini games.
~Lyle Blackwell

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